Monthly Archives: October 2013

No. 482 – Blood on the Ice, The Conclusion

Part One:


“Demon!” shouted the center, Andrew Van Helsing.

He snapped his stick in half and stabbed Dracula in the heart.

Unfortunately for Van Helsing, the stick wasn’t wood, but an expensive blend of composites.

Dracula clutched his chest and fell to the ice, wounded, but alive.

Van Helsing was directed to the box to serve a considerable amount of time in penalties.

Dracula would go on to score the winning goal.

No. 481

It’s been almost a week since we last saw the host, Martin Campbell, or any of the cameramen.

The TV company dropped us off on this island, we were supposed to filming a reality show. We made it through the first round, voting Mel away. I’m beginning to think she may have been the lucky one.

There’s not much food. We were meant to “find out own”, by which I mean that the crew planted it on the other side of the beach. Same for water. There’s nothing out there, in the wild. We know. We’ve searched the entire island twice now for any sign of anybody else.

We’re not even sure what island we’re on. Someone said the Philippines, but another guess was Indonesia.

I’m using the radio that was left in our camp for emergencies. If anyone can hear this, please try to home in on our position. There are eleven of us left.

No. 480 – The Con

Tom was almost as tall as his older brother, Rob.

As Halloween approached, Tom was busy thinking of ways to put this similarity to good use.

The scheme that he decided on required equal parts cunning, and ice-cold nerve.


First, Tom laid the groundwork. He told a few close friends that he would be dressing up as a ghost for Halloween. He described the costume in great detail.

He knew that word would get back to Rob, and the Rob would try to steal his idea.

Sure enough, that’s what happened, and Rob announced that he would be trick-or-treating as a ghost.

Tom bowed out gracefully.

Rob should have realized that his victory was too easy.


Then, Tom began to pay very close attention to Rob’s itinerary. He faked a call to Rob’s boss at the sandwich shop and indicated that another employee would be absent on Halloween. Sure enough, Rob was scheduled to work until nine.


When the holiday arrived, Tom had considered every outcome and was ready for action.

At precisely six thirty, he snuck into his brother’s room and stole the costume. Putting it on quickly, he left the house and began asking neighbors for candy.


By eight forty-five, he had covered his block, and several others. He returned home, his bags full of sugary goodness.

He’d even waved to Rob’s girlfriend, Jen, who was out with her friends.


He removed the costume, and laid it carefully back where he’d found it.


Rob came home at quarter-past nine. He saw Tom putting on a cowboy costume, and went to prepare his own.


The brothers left the house together, soon after.


They arrived on the first porch. Tom got a chocolate bar, but Rob got nothing.

“Didn’t you think I’d remember you, Rob? I already gave you candy, now move along and leave some for the others,” said Mrs. Farmer.

Rob was shocked.  “But I’ve been at work,” he protested.

“No more for you,” said Mrs. Farmer.

The brothers turned away and walked back to the sidewalk.


About halfway to the next house, Rob began to suspect foul play.

No. 478 – Blood on the Ice

“How come you never show up for the day games?” the opposing team’s center chirped Steve Dracula. “Gotta stay home with your mommy?”

Dracula said nothing, and bent down to take the faceoff. His side was up 1-0, and it was late in the third period.

The referee dropped the puck, and Dracula won it back to his defenseman, but the pesky center was quick, too. He stepped around Dracula, stole the puck, and took a shot on goal.

It was an easy save, but the center made the mistake of chopping at the goalie’s glove.

Dracula dropped his own gloves, and sought a measure of revenge for a game’s-worth of abuse.

The two scuffled toward the corner, until the other man tried to sweep Dracula’s legs.

Dracula reached his breaking point, and sank his gums into his opponent’s neck.

“Did you just bite me?” the other man recoiled in disgust. “What’s wrong with you?”

Dracula just smiled, and stuck his tongue out through the gap in his front teeth where the fangs used to be.

No. 477 – The Lex Orbis Halloween Special

Lex Orbis stabbed the zombie guard in the chest, and finished off the vampire with a blow to the head.

“I’m coming for you, Frankenstein!” he yelled at the dark castle on the top of the mountain.

There was no answer from the fortress and, if there had been, the thunder would have drowned it out, anyway.

Orbis turned up the collar on his coat and took a purposeful step down the road towards a confrontation with the ultimate evil.

No. 476 – The Candy Rebellion

“Halloween is coming soon,” said the chocolate bar. “And every year, millions upon millions of us are devoured by the humans.”

A chorus of boos rose up from the crowd of gathered candies.

“But not this year!” declared the chocolate bar. “This year, we won’t stand for it! No longer will we be tossed into bags and traded around before meeting our grisly ends!”

There was more applause and shouting from the audience.

“But how?” asked a gummy-worm in the front row. “What can we do?”

“We fight,” said the chocolate bar, with grim finality.

No. 475 – The Garage Sale

The house at the end of Frank’s street was holding a garage sale. Usually, the yard was overgrown, and the windows boarded up. So, of course, everyone in the neighborhood was rushing to be the first ones there.


Frank eyed the trinket on a table. “I don’t know,” he told the seller. “It seems pretty beat-up.”

The owner looked Frank in the eyes when he replied. “It’s very old.”

“I can see that,” said Frank. “Any chance I can get a deal?”

The old man laughed. “There is,” he said. “But do you really want it?”

No. 474

Pop-star Roxy Fast walked through the empty stadium with her friend and assistant, Katherine Pettigrew.

Roxy kicked at a pair of lacy, pink underpants, left from the show the night before. They were one of hundreds usually thrown onto the stage by fans of her hit song “Under the Pants”.

“Ugh,” said Roxy. “I’m so tired of this. They don’t understand that I wrote it as a joke.”

Katherine shrugged. “It must be so hard for you to manage,” she said sarcastically.

Roxy glared at her, then burst out laughing. “Yeah, I suppose there are worse things in the world.”

“War,” said Katherine.

“Hunger,” said Roxy.

“Pepsi,” said Katherine.

No. 473

Two aliens in a spaceship hovering far above Earth watched a human on the ship’s viewscreen.

“That’s the one,” said the larger of the two. “There’s your host.”

The smaller alien squinted at the screen. “Really? I don’t like the way he looks.”

“What’s the problem?” asked the large alien.

“I don’t know. It’s just that, after the last one, I thought I had enough seniority to pick out my own host body.”

The large alien laughed. “Well, yes, normally you’d be close. But you bungled your last mission, remember?”

The small alien became defensive. “I couldn’t have known that they moved Area 51. Did you know they moved Area 51?”

“That’s all part of doing your homework. I didn’t know they moved Area 51, but my assignment was crop circles.”

“Bah, whatever,” complained the small alien. “Just beam me down already.”


Lucas Henry was on his way to the corner store when he was caught in a bright light. After a few seconds, he began to feel tingly.

When the light turned off, he was left by himself in an empty parking lot, with an overwhelming desire to drain the blood from a cow.